I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
