I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just puked most of my soul out..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
