I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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