I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
