Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
