I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
