its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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