go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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