My Higher Power is John Stamos
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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