I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
there was a trapeze. enough said
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.