She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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