Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
