i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
