Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
