Your face is a jimmy john
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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