and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
