And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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