Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
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You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap