i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
