What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
