i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.