Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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