We're facebook friends in real life
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
