I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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