I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
