Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
