Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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