I could make wine with my vomit
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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