I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
