I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
