Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
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she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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