i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
