I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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