does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
