My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
