I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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