Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
