WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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