Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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