i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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