When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
