I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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