So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Omg I joined a choir last night...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
