Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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