I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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