Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
