Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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