can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
