im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
