adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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