Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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