Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
