drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
