Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
