I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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