I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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