I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You have to summon your inner elephant
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
