I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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