Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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